Thursday, May 9, 2019

"why?!" Doesn’t have to Matter

The Lord placed  on my heart, to share my story. The beginning of the story is tough for me because I don’t want to sound like I think I am more special than others. Because I do not.

When I was young I was given a message that I did not understand where it came from or what it meant. I recall standing at the back door and i in my head I heard these words "you will do more" and it made me nervous wondering what that could
Possibly mean? And who did I even think I was to be so special of doing more? I knew that the words did not come from me they were  placed in my head to hear. I heard different variations of that message a few times through  the years"There’s more for you, You’ll be more". I wasn’t sure I liked it because I didn’t want to do great things I wanted to be a wife and mom. At the time I didn’t share this with anyone because I was embarrassed to sound or look conceited. I eventually married and had had a son.

When I was 45 my entire life was shaken and changed, 10 days after running my first Half marathon I suffered a massive stroke leaving me paralyzed on one side of my body I had to learn to walk again to dress myself. After four months in inpatient rehab at the hospital and nursing home, I returned home to my family only to realize my role in my family changed. I was unable to dress myself and my husband had to assist me in the shower and dress me every day; making him my caregiver and me the patient not the relationship you want with your spouse. My relationship with my son changed as well. At the hospital he overheard that I might not make it through the night and I believe it was at that time he distanced himself from me. After my husband went back to work I had to have a caregiver which made us all uncomfortable having a stranger in our home. I fought anger and depression constantly demanding "Why did this happen to me?!" over and over. When I asked  myself what if I never find out why?my answer  became:  Who cares? What am I going to do if I never find out? Be mad at God? No because I need him too much and he needs me as well. I rested on Romans 8;28 " And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose . " many people, (myself included), read that and stop at the word good. One day I finished verse 28"...According to ". His purpose"His purpose. His purpose His purpose may not be the same as mine but will be far better than anything I could imagine. He did not cause the stroke to happen. It just happened, and he will r work it into something good perhaps to benefit others, not necessarily me. I just may be used to have a positive impact on others I have been asked to speak to different groups of people to share my story. After speaking, I’ve had several people come to me in tears telling me why what I shared impacted them . That could not make me happier because after all of this happened I desperately needed something good to come from all this bad.
A friend once asked me if God could take all of this away and the stroke never happened. And He asked me to do it all over again to be used to help others would I do it? With little hesitation, I immediately answered of course I would becauseI i would miss the graces I have had the privilege of seeing along the way. And now I get to be used to show God’s glory in all of this. Perhaps, that is my "something more".?

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